SEA-HAWKS SEA-HAWKS SEA-HAWKS!

Yesterday Pat and I attended the fucking incredible Seahawks game. It was...fucking...incredible.

A few of my buddies up in Seattle have season tickets for the Seahawks. The main man, Morgan, rounded up an extra 20 or so tickets and recruited a crowd of us. I believe I've mentioned Morgan previously on my blog. He is the single most offensive man I know. A great guy, loyal, funny, smart, and just fucking brutally offensive to whoever, whenever. It is truly a sight to see. I love the guy.

So Morgan attends every home game for the Hawks. And he tailgates every home game for the Hawks. Morgan takes his tailgating very seriously. He arrives promptly at 9:15AM at the designated tailgating parking lots. The game Sunday didn't start until 1:05pm. Pat and I left Portland around 7ish so we got to the fiesta 10ish. We found Morgan's car because of the 20ft American flag pole he sets up next to it. It was recognize Morgan, he was wearing a full body camo hunting suit with a Seahawks jersey over it. He had shaved his hair into a mohawk. His face and the bald areas of his head were completely painted. It was fucking sweet ass sweet.

He brought a beirut table (beer pong for you Northwesterners). He brought a burn barrel (with plenty of wood) to keep us warm. Of course a keg. And SoCo. And so much fucking attitude he'd make the devil blush.

Anytime a NY Giant fan walked by, there was Morgan, booing, yelling, motioning. He got people so riled up that the boos and jeers would follow the Giant fan past every group he walked by. Even in the stadium it was the same way. The Giant fans were booed into submission by everyone in the stadium. Morgan however, managed to even get a few to change seats. When he discovered there was a NY fan sitting two rows in front of him, there was a constant stream of foul degrading shit coming out of Morgan's mouth. It was impressive.

As if all of this wonderfulness wasn't enough, it ended up being the best Hawks game of the year. The NYG missed 3 field goals in a row that would have ended the game. We saw overtime, and in the end the Hawks pulled through. 3 misses in a row! Their kicker was 23 of 25 going into this game. He had only missed 2 this season! And he misses 3 in a row at the end of the game and overtime! The stadium was going infuckingsane. I read an article today that mentioned how loud the fans were yesterday. The Giants had 11 false starts many of which they attributed to not being able to hear over the crowd. http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=cc-sixpoints112705&prov=yhoo&type=lgns

That's what I'm talkin' about baby.

Turkey Lurkey Doo

So much deliciousness.

Carrie, Cale, Keith.

Our small kitchen table.

"Sit back down on your speaker Keith."

My first thanksgiving alone turned out pretty fucking delicious. I wasn't 'alone' alone. Just away from all of my family, and in charge of the what-have-yous. It ended up being a full on orphan thanksgiving. Pat, Caleb & Carrie, Keith, Sean and myself. Yes, that is Sean P, ie 'Nigga P' formerly of Taiwan, back in the states for good. I was in charge of the turkey. While I was cleaning it I was really tempted to take a picture of myself 'making love' to it. And then of course show everyone the picture after we ate. I decided that was a bad idea for a whole host of reasons. So instead I smothered the turkey with 2 sticks of butter, garlic, onions, and all that jazz. Did you know that shit takes 5 hours to cook? Jesus H. Needless to say we ate a little later than normal. Carrie brought a freshly made apple pie. And we all stuffed ourselves to exhaustion. Hours of competitive ping-pong also helped us build up our appetites. This post is putting me to sleep. There's no reason for it really, other than my own giddiness at our successful thanksgiving. Blah.

Exotic Dancing 'On Demand'

What a fantastic day! Fantastic week even! I've discovered the most marvelous things on On Demand cable. First off, they have recaps of every single NFL game that I can watch anytime I so choose. That's pretty sweet in and of itself. Pat wet himself when I showed him that. I wet myself when I discovered that we have all sorts of On Demand fitness programs. Such as pilates, hip hop dancing, belly dancing, and freakin' exoctic dancing. We have like an 8 episode guide on how to strip. How fantastic. They go over how to walk, eye contact, hip rolling, oh baby oh baby. I think I'll just record them to video and give them to every woman I know for Christmas...and die horribly alone.

Bologna-Day!

Damnit I have to start carrying my camera around more. I got the shit slapped out of me on Saturday. I wish we had pictures of it. The first slap wasn't too bad. I responded with a "my grandma slaps harder than that." Which immediately got me another slap. That one hurt a good deal. And I suppose I must have mumbled something, or perhaps awakened some beast in her. Because the unprecedented 3rd slap came flying in quickly...and hit my neck. My fucking neck. Her nails got me good too. Don't get me wrong, this was completely solicited on my part. I told her to do it when I wasn't expecting it. She follows instructions well. I suppose I deserved it for the bruises I gave her way back when. Hmmm, on second thought, nope, I only deserve candy and kisses. I can now check being slapped off my to-do list.

I wish I could check napping off my to-do list for today. But sadly, it will most likely go undone for most of the week. At least I can check 'haircut' and 'eat pizza' off the list. 'Put on underwear' will have to wait until tomorrow.

Sooo everybody got big thanksgiving day plans? Great, that's great.... Me? Oh yeah I've got big plans, big plans. Errr, I was gonna maybe go to Subway, rustle up a turkey sandwich...by myself...sniffle... Maybe if any of you are having an early dinner, you could let me know, I could swing by and rifle through the trash when you're done...I'd appreciate it oh so much...sniffle sniffle. Nah Pat and I are going to do an orphans thanksgiving. It's my first away from all family. My folks are going to Tulsa and my mom feels terribly guilty that she's leaving me to fend for myself...so she calls me all the time to make sure I've made plans...which I haven't really. So I will keep tormenting her. I'll call her thanksgiving day and ask her how to cook bologna so it tastes like turkey. I'll send her pictures of me all bundled up digging through dumpsters...it will be brilliant. And coincidentally enough, there'll be a cherry red Beamer waiting for me under the tree this year. Am I a bad person?

Ramblings, ignore this post.

Muah ha ha ha ha! I feel evil. This week has been sinfully sexcellent. Though I've actually committed no sins. Unless smoking a little p o t is a s i n. Which I don't think it is. Oh crap, and well, a little of the ol' one hand dance. I'm fairly sure that's a sin. If not, then the 12 year old boys I think about while I do it certainly make it a sin. If not even that, then well, that's fucked up.

Is anyone else as excited as I am for the new Johnny Cash movie?

Been listening to him non-stop all week in preparation for this event. Ok, not quite non-stop. Been listening to Fiona Apple too. Her old stuff. I don't know if the new stuff is any good. She's coming to town on the 22nd and I actually considered buying a ticket. I decided to pass, but damn, she's fucking good. I think her intro to Criminal is one of the best opening lines to any semi-recent song. "I've been a bad bad girl." The tone/volume/etc she uses for that line just immediately engages you, or I guess me. I won't go into the rest of my "insights" into Fiona Apple. I just think that line is on par with Kafka's opening line in the metamorphisis: "As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect." Or "vermin" or "bug" depending on the translation. That is one of my favorite opening lines in all of any literature, that I've read. Yes, I am comparing Fiona Apple to Franz Kafka. Wow. Maybe I do need a good slapping. How did I get from Cash to this? I'm going to end this now.

Meatless? Monday.

Tote Bag

Boo fuckin' ya. Last night was Meatless Monday. Meatless Monday is a charity event sponsored by Gardenburger and Rogue Brewery to raise money for ARC. Which is a non-profit group that supports the mentally disabled. Those fuckers know how to party. I'm a huge meat fan, I love meat, I eat sides of meat with my meat, which was most likely preceded by a meat salad and meat water. But god damn I was impressed with the veggie food. I ate every delicious bite. All 10 servings which were to be accompanied by 10 samples (4oz) of Rogue Ales. Which would have been a fine time indeed in and of itself! But then shit got crazy.

We got to the 3rd serving and the Rogue server that Pat had tipped brought us an extra round. Well, sweet, I like beer. Until the next server, a volunteer who happened to be the Chairman or something of one of these organizations, showed up at our table and dropped us off another round of the 3rd sample and gave us a quick "better catch up boys." So we start downing these samples, and then another volunteer server, a colleague, dropped off another round "I can't count," she says. Apparently all of them lacked that ability. The entire night. Quadruple samples of Dead Guy Ale. Double servings of veggie chili. Three rounds of Chocolate Stout. Who knows how many samples of Traintrack Ale. On and on and on. I was as close to loosening my belt as I ever have been in a public place.

It didn't hurt that somehow we buddied up with some business director and his wife at the table next to us. Everyone seemed to know him because of this recycling coffee bean bags into tote bags thing he created with ARC, etc etc. They were great company and what he's done is fantastic. I just can't figure out who he thought we were. From sample 5 on, he became a fixture at our table. We were toasting, pounding samples, high-fiving...ok, there were no high-fives, this time. In the end he's telling me to call him directly to get the bags at cost, hoping to hear an order of 600. 600! Holy rusted fucking metal! Of course by this point we were 30 samples in... All said and done the kind gent gave me the tote bag he had on him and I spent a large portion of the night sleeping on top of the heating vent on my floor. Fucking good people, good food, and great beer. Next year I'm bringing everyone I know.

5 Shots Couldn't Stop Me.

Pat is my housemate. Pat does high-end remodeling for a living. Recently Pat got a promotion at work. 2 employees were fired, and Pat assumed the responsibility of driving and keeping one of the work vans at our house at night. Part of Pat's new responsibilities includes keeping the van in good repair, and keeping it organized. There are thousands of dollars of tools in these work vans. I almost forgot one of the most important parts of this new promotion: when parked at night, the van must be backed up against something. Obviously, so one cannot bust the window and thieve tools out of the back. Every night Pat backs the van all the way up our driveway getting the backdoors snug against the garage. Pat takes all of his responsibilities very seriously. As he should. It is afterall, his future.

We live in a semi-sketchy part of town. Though it is quickly improving, there is no denying the sketchiness. There have been several shootings in the area in the couple years. There are small pockets of great neighborhoods within this semi-sketchy area. We live in one of said 'pockets' of decency. Which is great. We have never ever had any problems in our neighborhood, or greater area for that matter. Even though we are a throughway to sketchier areas. Christmas comes year round in our area. One can see flashing red lights anytime they wish. But, like I said; "we've never had any problems." A positive attitude goes along way, or mayhaps 'tis just good fortune that shines over our little block of heaven. Well, good fortune can't last forever. At least not in our part of town...

"Hey Pat...it's Joe man... Fuck dude... Where are you? I caught some guy trying to break into the van. I don't know. I thought I heard something outside...next thing I know I'm chasing him down the street man, fuck. I caught up to the dude and tackled him. He he's in custody now. Don't worry man, I think we got everything he took... I just got back from the hospital a few minutes ago, I'm all right. I was stabbed in the shoulder, but I'm fine man... I can't really drive or anything, my shoulder hurts, and I don't know how many pills they've got me hopped up on, but it's a lot... Finally everything's settled down, fuck man... The van's safe, so don't worry about that or anything... I'm making some dinner now...do you think you could grab some Big Dan's Chili Sauce on your way home? I'd totally do it...but you know, my shoulder and all... I mean no worries if you can't... I just thought since, you know, I got stabbed for you... Really though, you know, if you can't pick it up, you can't pick it up... I guess I can walk or something..."

'Lazy fucking bastard' does not even begin to describe me.

Tripod.

I have a whole shitload of ideas for the Beer Olympics. There's like 20 events I have to weed through. No thanks to you blog bums. I'll post them on here sometimes soon. First I need to have a go at the fine print of each event.

In other news, I've decided to stop being honest. Ok, well that's a lie, which would be a good start, but I don't mean I'm going to be dishonest, just not quite so forthcoming about things. I mean fucking christ, look how long that last sentence is. I have way too many streams of thought and conversation going on at the same time. Like totally, way too many bro. So I will just keep most of them to myself. It's a Godfather move. When he slaps his son or his cousin or whatever and says "don't ever let them know what you're thinking." It's a power play. Silent, pensive, deliberate, muahahah. I think it will greatly help my business skills. Crap, for some reason that reminded me of the night I convinced people I was a competitive hip hop dancer. But wouldn't dance anymore after "the accident." I can't believe people bought that. Or when Fog went around telling everyone our Iraq war stories...ok I was definitely not cool with that, but everybody bought it and was high fiving us. I would have told the truth, but I wanted to finish my beer in peace. Actually you know what, those were pretty good times. Scratch all of this, I'm just going to start lying.... Did I ever tell you about how I got the nickname 'Tripod?'

New Event!

6. The Keg Walk! I used to do this when I was in the Fermentation Society at Trinity. Fill a keg with water and see who can walk on it the farthest. Like a log-rolling type event. Booya! That's a good one.

7. What about a taste test event? Someone's given Coors, Bud, Miller, PBR, etc. and has to be able to label them correctly? Not a very exciting event. Hmmm. I think this one will get axed.

I wonder if the cops will have a problem with this.

Beer Olympics! YES YES YES!

Yeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaw. Alright you motherfuckers and motherfuckettes, it's time for the goddamn 2005 Beer Olympics! The weak, the handicapped, the easily offended, do yourselves a favor and stay the fuck at home. We want your base, your wicked: the strippers, the prostitutes, nihilists, pagans, the conservatives alike. Sloth, gluttony, ass-slapping, beer-chugging, excessive urination; no Sin will go unrecognized, no soul will leave untarnished. What monumentous event could bring this dark army together you ask? Where could such a mass gather without bringing forth the hand of God to smite them? What reason could there possibly be for this for orgy of Sin and debauchery? The First Annual 2005 Beer Olympics, that's what.

Ok, so it may end up not being exactly as advertised above. But it should be a fuckin' good row. The plan is in it's infantile stages at the moment. I've come up with 4 solid events. And am working relentlessly on the rest. Flyers, food, maybe t-shirts and a trophy, it'll be sweet. And if nobody shows up, well Pat and I will just get wasted and fight. It's a win win.

I wouldn't mind some help coming up with ideas. Here are the events thus far:

1. 40oz Dash (Race to drink 400z bottle of beer the fastest. Regular beer, not malt liquor)
2. Keg Toss (Empty keg, toss as far as you can, disqualified if you step over line. Done this one before, surprisingly awkward.)
3. Keg Stand (self-explanatory, longest keg stand wins)
4. Beirut (More skill in this event than drinking. Not sure if I want to do doubles or not. I'll have to type up a quick summary of the game for participants and spectators alike)

Those are the events I have right now. I was also thinking maybe a 5. Wheelbarrow race would be good. Now should we do the human wheelbarrow, where one man crawls across the ground and the other has his legs, or get real wheelbarrows and watch them tip?

I think maybe 8-10 events would be good. I'm trying to have beer, or beer paraphernalia as a part of all events. Obviously all can't be events with mass consumption of beer or nobody could complete it and it wouldn't appeal to a wide audience. Events that involve other skills are definitely needed.

Anyone who reads this is encouraged to contribute any ideas on possible events, or variations of current events. Maybe it will even get you a t-shirt! Possibly not.

Whimpy Whimpy Whimpy

Ok, so I totally whimped out this weekend. I didn't get slapped. One could argue it was a lack of opportunity...but then again I suppose I should have made the opportunity happen. After all, those boys didn't get molested by Michael by coincidence. He spent years becoming an American Idol. Garnering the respect and trust of millions...to give himself the opportunity to molest boys.* I took the easy route and just asked a girl to slap me. I could tell it would be a mutually beneficial slap. People don't realize how much stress and tension they build up throughout life. How much repressed anger is balling up inside of them. That's why Fight Club was, and is still, such a hit. I'm pretty sure she was excited about the slap. I know I was. Buuut then it got later and later. Aaaand I forgot to get slapped before I left. It totally hit me the next morning. They all must have thought I wussed out. In retrospect I realize that she stood up to slap me as I was leaving, but was just too polite or scared to bring it up. I can't believe I forgot. I feel like a tool. And keep your affirmations to your damn selves! On the pluse side, I did do one new thing, I think they call it 'reverse cowgirl.'

Slap me. Harder. Harder damn it!

Yeeeehaw. Time to post! Buuuut...I have nothing interesting to say. I'm in a bit of a quandry here. I have the time, the energy, but no content. I get to work some on Saturday, kind of a trial for the new job. I know, lame. That's how normal things are around here. There's no way things can be this, this...regular. Unacceptable. Things must change. This weekend I will take 3 risks. Doing something out of the ordinary can be a substitute for a risk. After all, people hate leaving their little comfort bubble. Maybe I should try to get slapped. I haven't been slapped since the 4th grade during a kickball argument. I insulted her good. Wait, amend that. I haven't been slapped *by a female* since the 4th grade. I have this vague memory of getting wailed across the face by Keith in a bar recently. I'm pretty sure it was retribution because I slapped the shit outta him earlier. Cocaine is a hell of a drug. Just kidding. We were drunk.

After a little, and I mean very little thought, I came up with (or remembered) some pickup lines that I think might get the job done.

1. Do you have a sister that's not such a prude?
2. What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?
3. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
4. Hi, will you help me find my lost puppy? I think he went into this cheap motel room across the street.
5. Would you like to come over to my place later? You can bring some friends because my face seats five.
6. Hi. I'm an astronaut, and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
7. I bet you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
8. Are your parents retarded? Cause you're sure special.
9. Baby, you must be a slut because you give out more ass than a donkey dealership.

And of course the old standby:

10. Backdoor beauty?

Jigglyyyypuuuuff.

Ok, I still haven't figured out the best way to post photos. So these are out of order. Bear with me, I'm beautiful. You're lucky to even see these. Getting a digital camera was probably a bad idea for me. For years only an elite group of people were privy to these moments in life. It was one of the perks of being friend with me, and by 'one of,' I mean 'the only perk.' And more often than not, it was more of a curse to have these images burned into your retinas for eternity. Which is why not all of the photos make it! Muahahahaha... Oh, and also because none of the photos on my cam caught the costumes very well...hard to carry the camera around when you're in tights all night. I'll post more pics when AJ sends them to me.

Is that...Jigglypuff?

Just because a guy dresses up as a Pokemon, doesn't mean he won't start some shit.

It looks like Jigglypuff is dry humping a chicken. In reality she just hit the chicken in the balls because he was holding me back as I talked trash. Better his than mine.
Most of the crew. A priest. GI Joe. And southern pimp, sporting the mullet and stash, he also had purple pants, it was a fantastic outfit, topped off by the creepy lone nipple ring Pat has, for real...not so hot on men.

Tina Turner and GI Joe? She had bruises on her arms.

AJ pouring shots. You can kind of see his sweet ass bar. Did I mention it is fucking sweet?

All in all, a decent Halloween, as predicted. It's always the same. A straight 6 outta 10. Damn Halloween. Next year, my place, it'll be 'off the chain,' as they say in You Got Served.