Vrroooom

I bought a new bed this week. It's an exciting time. Yes, I realize what that implies about my life.

I walked into the store wanting bottom of the barrel. I purchased my last bed in Oregon off Craigslist for $100 straight cash. Well, for some odd reason, I had this fantasy that a twin bed would be great for me, mobile, comfortable, perfect. My father helped endorse the idea in my head by mentioning he slept in a twin for years...that was all I needed to hear, twin bed city here I come.

The salesman seemed slightly taken aback at my desire for a twin bed, even though I made it clear that I wanted the twin extra long. Somehow I felt that would make it like 5 times bigger. And hell I don't know where I'll end up having to move this thing to, compact is good, right? So blah blah blah I finally bought a fancy new twin bed (the fancy part was the salesman's idea, I had my eye on the mattresses in the alley out back), to be delivered friday.

And then reality hit me. The look at the saleman's face when I said I wanted a twin...the way he showed me two queens for every one twin...the fact that while yes my father did probably sleep in a twin for years, probably while he was at Westpoint, where his underoos were also chosen for him. The way my roommate, and everyone else laughed at me when mentioned I bought a twin size bed. My confidence started to faulter. I started picturing a racecar frame around my child size bed...I needed someone to give it to me straight...er than everyone else already had. I called my dear friend Sky and he set me straight with one blunt sentence:

"What were you thinking, do you ever want to get laid again?"

My brand new full size bed will be arriving tomorrow.

I doubt I'll get laid, but fantasy is a powerful influence. Hell I know guy that almost bought a twin size bed.

I would drive 3000 miles.

I drove my car back to NY from Oregon. Jesus that's a trek and a half. It was an interesting, albeit quick trip. Some things I learned:

1. Iowa sucks.

2. Eastern Oregon, Idaho, Wyoming, and Utah are awesome, to drive through at least. Incredible scenery, no cops, high speed limits, courteous drivers. Compound that with a highway that imposes very little on the landscape so one can enjoy the route all the more.

3. Despite what one sees in the movies, there are no hot hitchhikers willing to do 'anything' for that ride into the city.

4. Iowa sucks.

5. I can pee in a bottle while I drive 80mph.

6. I can drive 415miles without stopping (nor peeing in a bottle).

7. If you have the opportunity to cruise the George Washington bridge in NY...don't. It's a clusterfuck.

8. My car can cruise 3000 miles no problem. But for some reason the day AFTER I've completed my journey, the stereo will quit working. Acura owners beware, must be a design flaw.

9. Music with attractive female voices keeps me more alert than attr...male voices.

10. Hotels/motels allll along the cross country route are very busy. Who would guess all 3 hotels in Bumfuck, Idaho would be full up? Same goes for Bumfuck, Wyoming, Nebraska, etc. Call ahead or you'll be stuck turning tricks for truckers to catch a few zzz's in the cab.

11. The 'Kum-N-Go' in Nebraska is a rip off. I had to wait 20 minutes for a BJ. Kum-N-Go my ass.

12. Oh, and Iowa sucks.

Goodbye West Coast...again

Well, the past couple weeks on the West Sieeede has been sweet. In a few minutes I hop in my car and head back out to NY. Shed no tears from me, my nightly alotment should be plenty. I put off packing far too long, and was planning on being on the road hours ago. So all is as it should be.

I got a portable dvd player, endless hours of porn and a shotgun seat full of booze. I reckon I won't even notice the boring drive.

52 Hours in the Inferno

I've been working in California, and for 'training,' was sent on one of round trips for a little experience...Cali - Hawaii - Guam - 2 stops in Japan - back to Cali...sounds fun! It was not. All of those places are balls balmy, and our turnarounds 4 hours. Balls to that. But I'm back in Cali, lounging nude, watching movies in the hotel. So worth it.

Headed home to Portland on thursday, gonna have a mean drunk. It'll be nice to see people in person instead of just creeping them out with text messages at odd hours when I'm lonely...which I've become quite adept at.

In closing I'll quote an anonymous Oregon text message poet:

"I watch you sleep."

Crap

Damnit! I was mid post aboutt how I'm in Cali now and how great the West Coast is...then the website vomitted...hell with this. Instead I'll regail you with my Halloween idea; Me as Magic Johnson deccked out in Laker's gear, and 3 friends with clipboards as my aids. Hm, maybe keep that one to myself actually.

Pay it Forward

I got cut off today, no signal, guy just barrels into me. As per usual, I let my finger fly fast and true. He stops, mid-day NY traffic and this guy stops...to tell me that's not nice. What the hell is going on here? He took full credit for blindly barreling into me...but giving him the bird, uncalled for, he was truly offended. He was as polite as can be...and as he proceeded to cut cars off left and right weaving into the horizon, I was left to ponder, who's the douche bag now?

Day 37

Did I mention I finally found an apartment? It proved much more difficult than I initially didn't think. Craigslist is both the bane and boon of my existence. The nice beach area I wanted to live in was a no go. The ghetto-fab basement apartment with random chick and no AC, for some reason that worked out. The good thing about this place, besides the rent, is that I'm the only white guy for miles, and I'm still rocking the Taurus rental, so everybody thinks I'm a cop. I hope they don't kill cops here.

There's some weird shit on Craigslist. I had some of the most cryptic responses. One fella even asking for pictures...which I sent, but only a few head shots. I didn't get the place, which I wasn't too upset about.

There was one chick I blew off that my friends just won't let me forget. She also was from Oregon, bi, and had a girlfriend that she warned would sleep over often. Don't ask me how I screwed that up. Apparently there are somethings you just don't take out during a first meeting in NY, whatever.

I can't recall where I was going with this...it's so fucking swampy in the air. I can't focus.

Oh yes! First day here my roommmate made the mistake of leaving her porno dvd out; Phatty Girls 5. When I returned later it was, of course, gone...well, the case was gone. A quick check of the dvd player confirmed my suspicions. I perused the DVD and found it satisfactory. 2/5 possible boners.