10/28/05

It's been a slow week.

One of those weeks where I kind of make some progress.

But probably not enough.

The house is kind of messy. Pat's hands are f'ed up from work. I've been erging at my parent's house after work. Time in the day is short, productivity is low. I did manage to find a new job, kind of. We haven't come to terms yet, but the Magic 8 Ball says 'outlook good.'

And of course everyone is getting amped up for Halloween. Ugh. I don't think I've ever been to a really kick ass Halloween party. Of course my memory is short. Halloween mostly just means stress and lots of phone calls. I always end up having at least a decent time, but it's no new years. Pornoween was unique but too tame last year. This year so far it looks like rollerskating or Beaverton. What the hell is that? Why are all these huge parties happening in Beaverton? I want to boycot and go 'relax' at the coast. But everyone is caught up in this damn Halloween madness! And no, I cannot boycot alone, I am weak and extremely vulnerable to peer pressure. A minor victory can still be had, I will plan nothing, know nothing, coordinate no one. I will be a blob, a tag-a-long, "that guy." Somebody better have something good planned.

Bah Humbug.

I tried and tried but couldn't get that f'ing post to work right yesterday. The whole uploading pictures thing is new to me and well, I never claimed to be a smart man. I just don't get why they don't make the 'preview' match how the post actually looks when one posts it??? You would think that by 'preview' they meant preview of the actual post...but no, it shows up as something that looked completely different. In my case; an organized, properly spaced blog post with pictures! Alas, 'twas not meant to be, the actual post showed up all patchy and looking like mange.
Now that there's a pause in my typing...I don't know why I'm putting this post on here......................oh that's right, anyone know an easy way to incorporate pictures in a post?

D-Day

It was a long long weekend with not nearly enough down time. Friday was a garage night with ping-pong and beirut until we collapsed. That was only a warm-up to the events of Saturday.

4pm: Joe starts drinking alone at The Alibi.

4:01: Steve (pictured left) starts talking to Joe.

4:45: Keith and Caleb show up.

5:10: Erin, Julia, Ben and Aimee show up.

5:30: We all leave. Steve stays behind, still talking. Thanks for all the rounds Steve. You're the man, even though you never ever stop talking...and spend a beautiful Saturday afternoon in a dark bar drinking...still, the man.


5:45: Encounter a very friendly gentleman on the max train. Unfortunately he is also the drunkest he's ever been in his life. Wearing a camo shirt and shorts, and drinking a bud on the max which he dropped twice. The second time picking it up upside down and pouring it on his crotch...then trying to drink from the bottom. Eventually his pants fell down and we discovered he also wears camo bikini briefs. The strange thing was how polite he was. He apologized several times; and after the pants incident he kept asking been not to tell "nobody." Oh I think we all knew my friend. The...cat...was out of the bag. After the max stopped, the young gent
stumbled across the platform and crumbled on the ground. Ben and I lifted him to a nearby bench and went on our merry way.



The Derby was a good time. There were lots of scantily clad women. Many of whom were all tatted up and looking for a fight. I quickly purchased a 'Guns N Rollers' shirt, ripped off the sleeves, tossed one sleeve around my forehead and beat the hell out of this 70 year old woman. It's important to establish your role early on, those bitches will eat you alive.
There are some kinks to work out (like 2 hour beer lines), but all in all the Derby was pretty sweet. Next time my camera will be ready.









I don't think this girl realized what was going on. Or maybe she is just a plumber. Erin has better pictures of this. I must say my butt is looking pretty sexy.









Stupid girl walked in the way.
I'm on my knees mimicking the girl next to me.
She can show ass-crack in public.
I can show ass-crack in public.



There were some good crashes and a few near fights. It's a shame the real season doesn't start until February. At least we've got the Blazers right?....right?
















We started drinking really hard after the Derby. I introduced the crowd to Irish Car Bombs and we enjoyed singing along with the karaoke. I felt the headband should stay. Later the sleeveless T made another showing...gyar.



I hadn't really hung out much with Erin and Ben before. Those two know how to have a good time. Anytime there's nipple, you know it's gotta be good. I wonder what the people around us thought. There are a lot of pictures that I'm not putting on here.



Ben demonstrating how he wooed Erin.
Off camera I'm taking notes.

All the old-timers took off around midnight so I waited for Keith to show up and then we stopped by the Dancin' Bare for a game of pool and a nightcap...or so I thought. My neighbor's party was still ragin' at 2:30am so I headed on over for some 'meet and greet.' Long story short, there was a firetruck, some cop cars, etc etc, I got to bed around 4am. A solid 12 hours shift. Ouch.

Ok, this has taken too long to post, I gotsta go. And I can't get the damn photos to line up with their descriptions...so I deleted most of the descriptions. Whaaatever. I'm so done with this post.


Someone call Captain Ahab.

Rushless???

NO! Rushmore! The perfect movie. Not the greatest. Not the best special effects. Not the most profound plot. It just is what it is. And that is why I love it. Everything is perfect about that movie. I become enraptured everytime I watch it. Each movement. Each sound. Each song. Perfect. It is so deliberate, so painstakingly exact. Words cannot express my appreciation for this film. That is all I will say on Rushmore for the time being. If you have not seen it, I'd recommend you do...twice. The first time you can't possibly catch everything. The second time it is better.

Aside from enjoying that movie last night. And the night before (thank you netflix), I've been working on a few other things.

1. The Roller Derby is here!!! Tomorrow it begins. It made front page of the A&E section of the paper today. I won't lie, I'm flyin' half mast. We're all starting the 'festivities' at 3:30 a bar down the road from me. Sweet. Super-sweet. Diabetic.

2. I convinced my father that a digital camera would be a fantastic house-warming gift for me. I have picked out the one I want and am awaiting his assured approval. I could sell a Big Mac at a fashion show. Silly anorexic models. This mean you, yes you, will now get to see my blog with pictures!!! Do you need a moment to clean up the puddle in your seat? I do. Ew.

3. The house: Well, progress has been slow. Pat and I have been focusing on other things. We have now been living together for almost 6 weeks, and there has been virtually no violence! Oh, and if you are new to my blog and just reading this, Pat and I are hetero-co-owner-housemates. Well, I am hetero. His mouth says no but his eyes tell a different story. This weekend I think we'll get the guest room cleaned out and turn it into an office/guest room. Right now it is pretty much a 'crap/storage room.'

4. The job: Well, still have the same one with the company that I like and the position I loathe. But there have been exciting developments for a new one! Details are being ironed out as I type. Business plans are being drawn up. I will bathe in Crystal by the year's end. And you will see pictures of it! Yay camera.

5. The blog: Just updated it today!

Sigh.

Speak of the devil and he show's his face.

I write a post mentioning Sean P and out of nowhere he calls. He turned down a new job in Taiwan, is taking another month to travel, and will be back in the good ol' U.S. of A in late November/early December. New and improved even. Apparently he has a bunch of metal pins in his hand now. That damn Asian's face fucked his hand up good. Looking forward to seeing you man, crazy son of a bitch.
I'm jealous of my friends. Bastard Sean has lived in Italy and Taiwan, and bounced around to a handful of other places. Dylan is living with his girlfriend in Poland...that seems fucking weird to me for some reason...yet strangely appropriate...are the Polish kind of douche bags too? Big Cat was teaching out in Asia somewhere for the past year or so, now he's moving on to Austria. And fucking Fogatron, I called that bastard to go get a beer last week and his message said he was off to Europe for a month. It seems like every year he takes off for a month or so. I think I'm doing something wrong; so I'm going to change it.

Not a Genius?

Well, it's a disappointing day. I've come to learn that my entire blog is founded on a lie. Apparently I am not a genius. I took some an IQ test today and scored a 138. Genius is considered to be 140+. I don't know where I went wrong. I suppose the blog could still be right. I could have been 'born a genius' and just squandered it with years of drugs and booze. Or perhaps it's the lack of intellectual stimulation. All those years of doing nothing in school could have caused serious atrophy in the brainial region of my noggin. Either way you look at it; I am no longer officially a genius. Don't cry for me, I'll still claim the rank of genius. Oh a few hacks with their online tests won't deter me none. I'm on a mission. What that mission may be! is still up in the air. Why I'm on this mission, well, that is also going to fall under "undecided." But I tell you this; geniusness will be required on this mission. Geniusness the online tests say I won't provide. Geniusness the online fat cats say I can't provide! Well I say a pox on them! I will elevate myself to a level of genius previously unheard of. I will walk down the street with my massive, beautiful, bulbous brain, and people will look at me and say "god damn that's a big brain." The innumerable women in my harem will massage and stroke my giant brain. Countries will crumble under one of my mere thoughts...my merely superior thoughts, muah ha ha ha ha. Muah ha ha ha ha...love me.

Jump Ropin' For Freedom

If a store is going to be closed for an extended period of time for remodeling, put it on your god damn website. I was so excited to pick up 2 jump ropes at Champs today on my lunch break. I had picked out the exact ones I wanted online. I had a gift certificate. I was ready to buy. But no, closed for f'ing remodeling. F' that. I bought one at the Nordic Track store instead, for $21 less than the one I was going to buy. It's a regular speed rope, they didn't have the 6lb rope for strength training and men with huge testicles. I cried a little.

Of course this whole project is a bit on the ambitious side. I've jump roped maybe a few times in my life. I have never done it as a part of my training regiment. And can't imagine sustaining it long enough to count as a decent steady state cardio workout. Jesus, I can't bounce 225lbs in the air for 40 minutes. I'll die. I'll die trying is what I meant to say. I'm excited. Those guys you see jump roping are always in wicked shape. I wonder if they consider 'double dutch' a training technique. I'll keep the blog updated on my progress, maybe even pictures...sexy pictures.

10/13/2005

I've completed the move to the Irving office. It's kind of depressing. Aimee was sad. I share an office with Scott over here, he's a bit finicky. There are no windows. I can hear the Chinese movies the girls at the nail salon next door are watching. And it gets so hot, so very hot. If I didn't know better I'd say they tranferred me to hell. Shoot me please. Just one time and I won't ask it of you again. Dead center, right in the forehead. No big deal. In truth it was a good move. Less people distracting me over here. Yay?

This post is fairly lethargic. I woke up really lethargic today. Stayed up too late reading my statistics textbook. Is that strange? I did abs first.

Pat almost kicked my ass last night, not that he could. We were baking cookies (in a non-gay way). Half-way through, Pat turns up the temp to 360 degrees. I screamed 'fuck' a lot, the wrapper says 350 degrees, I told him that's why men beat their wives. He didn't appreciate the implications. If he'd stop wearing dresses around the house, I'd stop talking to him like that.

I need to get out of town sometime soon. I came up too short to visit Sean in Taiwan for a month. I shouldn't have cancelled my trip last year. I can't believe he's been gone for over a year already, crazy bastardo. Anyone know of a realtor looking for an assistant in Oregon? I'll bring their business to unparalleled levels. If not, then anyone know of a decent part-time evening job? I'm looking for a second income. My escort service hasn't taken off like I planned.

Borrring

So sore, so so sore, and tired, very tired. I feel like I'm turning into an old man, or a fat kid. We were talking about it this weekend and decided something must have gone wrong for me somewhere. Why? Because I should be a fat kid. I was born a fat kid. Literally, I was a tubby ass baby. But somewhere along the road I thinned out, physically at least; inside I'm fatter than ever.
Friday was fairly typical. Pat and I were beat from long work weeks. Plans got changed. We ended up watching "Bad Santa" with AJ. Fantastic movie, fucking brilliant. It was sarcastic, it was dark, it was lewd. Needless to say, I'm a fan. We followed that up by breaking in the new ping pong table. Well, AJ mostly broke it in, at the same time he destroyed our dignity. Winning 5 out of 5 games and stealing the thunder from the inauguration. On the plus side we made good use of the giant blue leather couch that is stuck in the garage, or rather stuck out of the house. Even still, he managed to take the pleasure out of the couch by making me tuck my penis between my legs after another loss...It was emasculating to say the least. Let us not speak of it.
Saturday started out good, got lethargic, then ended with a bang...well, ended on a good note. Brought a delightful, yet sick friend some breakfast. I didn't do it by choice, I tried to go back to sleep, the cricket made me do it. I learned that Home Depot sucks. And we blew off Cassie and that crowd to go to the Dancin' Bare. Good times were had. I 'slept' in the reclinger, again.

Sunday I woke up early again damnit. Fucking let me sleep for once. So I drove to the office to pick up AJ's parents key for their new house. I picked up donuts for the moving crew (us), and we got to work. AJ, Pat, Caleb and I make one fucking sick moving crew. Our average height is probably 6'5, average weight like 207lbs. Even so, AJ's parents have a lot of crap, we were sore and tired afterwards...so logically we invited Keith over and went across the street to play baseball. I threw my arm out until it was almost numb and it pained me just to be alive. I have not been in that much pain in a long time. I iced the hell out of my shoulder. Now my shoulder isn't so bad. All of my muscles hurt equally. This is far too long of a blog post. It ends here, for better or worse.

Holy rusted metal Batman! A roller derby!

It takes a monumental event for me to know where I am going to be 15 days ahead of time. I sleep through things, drink through things, workout through things, reschedule, don't schedule, kind of schedule, misschedule, forget, "forget," have car problems, family problems, suffer from cramps, bloating, whims, pregnancy, and even plague. But I know where I will be October 22nd in the year of 2005. Oh I know Sir. I will be at the Portland Expo Center Hall C, watching the Rose City Roller Derby Bout. I will be there; I will not be square.

Not only will it be women, on skates, beating up other women, on skates. That alone would almost gaurantee my attendance. However they went the next level and got it sponsored by PBR. What a wonderous day this will be. The cherry on the cake is, they all look like mega-whores. I've seen fights, girl fights, animal fights, bum fights, I've even seen an elephant fly, but I ain't never seen whores on skates duke it out. Go look at their pictures: www.rosecityrollers.com.

The plan is to meet at a bar, get drunk, take the max out, be as obnoxious as possible, get drunker, and maybe fight some chicks. *Plan is subject to change.

Who's coming with me?

The Road To Recovery

Now I didn't publish that previous post just to make you feel better about your pathetic lives, with all your impulse control and toned tan tummies. I published it as a goodbye. Goodbye to the sloth and gluttony I have so lovingly embraced. Mmm sweet salacious sloth...she curls up in my lap at night, stroking my belly, whispering sweet nothings into my ear while gluttony dabs the sweat from my brow and peels grapes...some nights she even pre-chews them so as not to excite me with all my own chewing....STOP!

Goodbye you foul temptresses! You fiends, evil sirens, disgusting sucubi! I CAST THEE OUT! Yesterday I began my journey to sweat out their hypnotic alluring toxins. I erged and I erged until my back spasmed. I did push ups until my pecs burned and veins throbbed down my arms. I did leg raises, bicycles, obliques, and crunches until I couldn't sit up with pushing myself up with my arms. Sweat poured from my body, grunts thundered off the walls, the room flooded with determination and grit. A small dinner of broccoli, steak and rice replenished all the essentials and I was good to go for the night...until I went to bed STARVING. Did you know if you chug 4 glasses of water before you go to bed it kinda, sorta takes the edge off the hunger?

Today I've had 2 pieces of toast and a yogurt.

I am fitness.

I am self-control.

I am herculean.

I am mastadonic.

I am so hungry.

I am starving.

You know those signs that say 'don't feed the animals'?

Thinner

I'm so hungry.

I'm starving.

You know those signs that say 'don't feed the animals'?

Ignore them.

Feed me.

I went on a 3 week eating binge. I blame Pat for keeping so much pot around the house. I ate everything. Multiple everythings. Which is normally fine, if I disconnect my ass from the recliner...if. But no, I did not. I ate. I lounged. I ate. I lounged. I may have sinned myself a few times somewhere in there. Christ. I hit rock bottom on Sunday. I gave AJ and Kiah a ride to there car, which they had left downtown the night before. AJ, Kiah, Pat and myself decided to have a pleasant Sunday evening dinner. We sauntered on over to a McMenamins in the North Western area of town. The menu didn't have what my belly needed...At first I wasn't even sure what my stomach was a achin' for...until I just blurted it out. BBQ bacon chili cheese burger. It's not on the menu but by god they'll make it. Although they did toss out a few disclaimers about not being liable for heart attacks and such. It was soooo worth it. I warmed up with a little bit of chicken tenders, then some fries, and then made sweet sweet love to that bbq bacon chili cheese burger...I'll admit, I was a little quicker than usual; I went at it hard and fast, finishing a little quicker than I'd like to admit. But in the end, I think we were both satisfied...until I got home...and started looking for crackers to go with my cheese...when that failed I told Pat to make me a PB&J...when that failed I ate some ice cream...straight out of the tub...a tub for tubby...my tears made the ice cream salty.
I

Back to Kindergarten Party!

What: It's a back to kindergarten party! They shut down the school so now it's ours to rule. Tetherball, four-square, hopscotch, maybe some tag, softball, basketball? Any other ideas?
Where: Kenton school, across the street from my house.
Who: Anyone who wants to come. Possibly a few people who don't.
When: Hmm...
Why: Uhh, who doesn't love kindergarten? Duh.


PB&J's and juice boxes served at my house afterwards.


Mental Note: Plan this

What?

My blog continues to plague me. It just exists there, not getting any more interesting. Not accumulating pretty pictures, because, alas, I have no decent digital camera. Really I'd say it's just more of a 'blob' than a blog. Clever, eh...no? Hm. The blob continues to grow.

I got a new ping pong table this weekend. It is full size. Came with two nets, paddles, balls, the works. It is set up in the garage next to the giant leather couch we can't fit into the house. It's an exciting acquisition. We were also supposed to pick up a fooseball table, but I've been pretty much extremely lazy lately. I've reverted back to a few old bad habits since buying the house with Pat. They end today.

I did start thinking again, which is nice. Which reminds me, I have some things I need to go write down before I forget to breathe.