Busy Busy Busy

Last Saturday I made big plans! Wake up early, go buy a new sledge hammer, strip down to my shorts and tear into a concrete block for a few hours. It's gotta be taken out of our backyard, and I was gonna be the guy to do it... Oh but that wasn't all of my big plans! All sweaty and flushed from sledge hammering concrete, I was gonna head on over and play some softball in SE for a few hours. Knock a couple homers, make a couple dazzling defensive plays, perhaps even give a couple of firm ass pats. Sounds like a good day! But no, not finished yet. Next I was headed over to AJ's to watch the UofO football game in the bar in his basement. Get the guys together, pound some beers, maybe even get a good circle jerk going. What? After that we were to proceed to the bars for some pool and relaxation. A solid saturday, going strong from 9AM-Midnight. Can't beat that.

Well, what actually happened is a different story. I did wake up fairly early; 8:30AM. Gave my mom a call and a quick life update. By 8:50 I was out of bed and ready to go!...turn on the heater and get myself a bowl of Crispy Berry Crunch (Cap'n Crunch knock off). So I curled up next to one of the heating vents in my robe...on my leapard print bean bag chair...with my Crispy Berry Crunch...and Haunted the new Chuck Palahniuk novel I bought Friday. Ok, ok, I'll read a few chapters while I eat...then get to it!

80 pages go by...Alright! Made some progress, at page 100 I close up the book aaaand...get to it! Not a fucking chance. By page 120 I've moved into the recliner and grabbed a slice of leftover bacon pizza. My eyes never even leave the page while I take down the slice without chewing. At page 215 I'm fully in the zone. I've missed 3 phone calls and another slice of pizza is missing. I still have time for a little softball and then the football game... At page 300 I realize I'm in for the long haul. Whisps of bong rips float through the air, a warm 2 liter of coke sits next to me, 2 more slices of pizza gone, the robe, gone; just me, my underwear, the recliner, and my book. I thought I was busted for a minute, there was a knock on the door and I ran to my room in my underwear. I came out in shorts and the perpetrator was already rattling away on his lawn mower, trailing a wagon full of tools behind him...door to door lawn service? Whatever, I have a job to do.

I finish just before 6PM. I have passed on 2 tickets to the Lion King, softball, football, a handful of errands, eating anything decent, and getting dressed. I missed 8 calls, consumed 403 pages, 5 slices of pizza, a few gulps of warm coke, several bong rips, about 9 hours of my time, and all of the remaining dignity I had allotted for the weekend.

The book was good.

That'll do pig, that'll do.

I have met one of the most disgusting people ever squeezed out of the ol' birthin' hole. For the sake of anonymity, we shall call her "Babe." Well, Babe is an incredible specimen of human being. The house of cards she has contructed her entire life on, is infused with contradictions and just outright crap. I digress, the point of this is not to discuss her virtues.
Physically, she is repulsive. She has the old lady fake blonde going, and for a while she had like a mini-mullet. Her face, while baggy, is actually semi-normal; ignoring the unhealthy hue of her pallid skin and the oft present frown stamped on her face. The true wonder of her, and I say that in all honesty, it is truly a wonder, I would and will go so far as to call it the 9th wonder of the world (the 8th being the fact that no one has unloaded a shotgun into her face thus far), is her gigantic, dinosauric, mastafuckingdonic, ass.

"Gyar, she's 3 feet across if she's an inch I say."

The ass is just so...big. It's ridiculous. And since I now have a 32" TV, I'm beginning to think I was underestimating her ass. It very well could be over 3' across. I mean we're getting into yards here. Christ, you know what sorts of things are described in yards? Golf courses and football fields! I'm almost curious to see it...but I think I'd vomit...or try to touch it, and pee myself. She was bragging the other day about how she walked a BLOCK! One, fucking, block. She's lame man, and I'm not talking about her personality. I'm talking "boy, git me my gun" lame. I'm talking late night, momma smothers her with a pillow lame. The kind of babe that'd suck the teet dry and then eat her starved and weak siblings. And don't you go feeling sorry for her one fucking bit. It's not glandular, she always tells me how in shape she "used to" be and tries to give me workout and health advice. I admit, she may have decent things to say about that, however I can never understand her with all those fucking Big Mac's stuffed in her mouth.
People get overweight, sure, whatever, no big deal. But to sit there day in, day out, and just devour everything she can get her hands on, often eating far more than myself in a day...is just well sick and offensive. I am 6'4, 220lbs. I like to eat a lot. But after lunch, I do not eat 3 drumstick ice cream cones back to back to back; she does.
And it's not like it's purely a physical thing. Her personality is even worse. She's soooo lazy. She doesn't even do her job. I'd say she does about 70% of her job, and relies on other people to make up the difference. She gets mad at me when I try to help, then she gets mad at me when I don't know the answer to a question. She gets mad at me when I refuse food she offers me. She gets mad at me if I don't offer her any of the food in my desk. She gets mad if I go to the store and don't bring food back for her (even if she doesn't ask me to). Apparently I should know, and it is common courtesy to bring ice-cream cones back for her unsolicited. Apparently this lack of common courtesy I display, can make her so mad that she shakes and tries to go home early. First off, who gets so bent out of shape over a 'common courtesy' issue? Secondly, it was a FUCKING ice cream cone! Calm your fat ass down woman. You can see I am dealing with a formidable force here. She's like an eternal scab. Kind of gross on the outside and in. If you pick at it you can often times make it worse, for the time being at least. But unlike a scab that eventually goes away, she never does. She keeps harrassing you, bothering you, whispering about you under her breath in front of you! She is the eternal scab that never heals.
Today, all day she has been giving me 'updates' on the whole hurricane situation in the gulf. Which is an interesting bit of news, that I am already fully aware of. But she loves telling people things they would never care about, and then forcing her opinion on them. She was telling me all about the roads the government and media was telling people to take, etc, etc, but oh they can't take that road! The first hurricane took that one out, blah blah blah. Then she pipes up "do you even know what I'm talking about?" and I, being the decent honest man I am, reply "I have absolutely no clue." She takes offense, turns back towards her computer and mumbles. Minutes later she tells me how it's heading for San Antonio, when I fail to feign the appropriate level of interest, she mumbles "you probably don't even know where San Antonio is." I ask her "what's Texas?" I don't think she's amused...
Muahaha...now she's making me feel evil and scheming...not that I am opposed to those feelings, but I try to be as least evil as possible. Ok, not true. I do enjoy tormenting her. I made her cry twice. Once was over that ice cream, can you believe she cried over that? She's just so mean to everyone. She's mean to the other gal (whom we'll call Amy) that works with us. But Amy is a single mother, who works extremely hard to support to children completely on her own. So Amy, understandably can be more emotional than I am at times. She is under a lot more pressure than I am. Well, "Babe" realizes this and only intensifies her coldness and rudeness to Amy. Amy takes it very personally and gets even more stressed out. So I strike back. "Babe" cannot fathom the degree of indifference I am capable of. And it drives her insane. She cannot phase me. She threatens to quit, I shrug my shoulders and say in my annoyingly cheery voice "now that's not a good attitude is it!" I undermine things she does and says all the time. She knows I do, but how can she stop me? I'm always right. I used to have her job, and did it 10times better than she's even capable of. She can't get under my skin and she hates it. Now some of you may say, but what about this ranting blog post? Well, I write this more out of pure fascination than anything. I believe I am past feeling hatred for her. She really quite the case study. Plus, she enjoys it when people give her attention, whether in a positive or negative light, she doesn't care.

Ok, that's all I have time to post for now. I know by this point you too, are enraptured by her grotesque beauty, so stay tuned, there will be more insight into the sirenesque man-beast known only as "Babe."

Huh?

Having a blog is too much pressure. What sorts of things do I post on here? Pieces of work? Rants? Raves? Or just stream of thought? I don't know! And all of my fans, err...fan, constantly putting the needle to me. (You know who you are). I slave away 21 hours a day. Most of the other 3 hours are spent getting to work. It's a 14 mile walk, up-hill, both ways. Which I truly don't mind so much, except for the Yeti's. But I do it, I make these sacrifices, why? Because I am a giver, that is what I do. Ghandi, Martin Luther, Mother Theresa, and JMC...that sounds about right. I mean they would have spread the good word through blogs if they had the option, but they didn't, suckers.
But do not worry my minions. I will continue to spread the good word, the word of Joe. My army is growing daily. I have befriended 4 dogs and 1 obese cat these past few weeks, they will prove great allies in the revolution of 'Joe' to come. Tsunamis, hurricanes, floods, do you not realize why these things are happening to you?? It is because you have no FAITH! You live your lives ignorant and shameful. The stupid, the weak...geeks, fags and jesus freaks. A pulpy mass of nihilists and liars. You are born blind, live blind, and die blind. "I see!" you say, "I see the truth!" How can you see? How can you have sight if you don't recognize Me as your one true Lord and Savior? For if your eyes were open, you would recognize Me, you would see Me in all that exists. I am the air you breath, and the blood that flows through your veins. If you do not see this, then all know you are still living in a world of darkness and ignorance. I pity the lie you live.

Cultured and Crass

Joe for God sakes how many times do I have to tell you to stop shoving the cat up your ass to get the gerbil.....yeah about that. Anyways friend, let me get your friends information so I can email him and ask him questions about teaching in Thailand. I'm going to be in China until Dec. 4th then New Zealand until January 19th. Then I gotta figure some other shit out about my life, I'm trying to go through this intern here from France about an internship in Australia for six months, I'm hoping to God that goes through my man. Send me that guys info as soon as you can. Thank you very much for your time Joe, I know you are really busy with spanking it and looking at playboy and hustler magazines, How is the real estate industry in Portland going? Still fucking suck, yep that is Oregon, heck if the deal is real good overseas you gotta come down. Send me one back thanks my man. The only thing that really really sucks about being in Hong Kong for three months (besides the chinese people (I can see you smiling on that one, honkie) is that I will miss thanks giving's this year at Morgans, fucking sucks. Dude he has a stripper living with him that works at the vu, no shit. He specifically had her move in after my four days in Seattle were up before I got here to China. Seriously what an asshole but you know I would do it to him too. Here from you soon brother. AAC4EVER. sky

Update

Ok, so I've been a bad boy and haven't updated in a while...perchance in hopes of a spanking? I have been extremely busy with my pops, job hunting, the new house, and such. Such taking up most of my time. Well, what I am getting at is that I don't have time to update today. And pool, bbq, beers, and dancing to 90's music kept me from updating last night. Soon, tonight at the latest there will be updates, and celebration. I hope quells the hunger a bit Cam.