Poooortland
I had my first day back in Portland today, I would rate it a massive 5/5 Boners.
First things first, I woke up at that crack of noon-thirty and headed out to a pleasant lunch with the rents. Not quite the same as my typical lunch of "whatever's not rotten in the fridge," but it did the job. Afterwards, and yes I know I may catch, well already have caught flak for this, but I decided to hit up the old tanning bed for a little color on the skin. I was a little reluctant to give up my beautiful ghostly white, but there are pros to not being the great white beacon in the night. Afterwards I definitely noticed less people shielding their eyes when the light bounced off my skin, and less children ran from me in fear, so I got that going for me.
I even did a little shopping, by myself! This was a big step for me, I rarely shop alone, I am not to be trusted when it comes to fashion. Thankfully I found a nice gay man to help me pick out some clothing, even helped me try it on...which was wierd, but I never skip a chance to show off the goods...
A short, painful run later I was ready for the Caberet. My two "escorts" Jessie and Cassie were wildly innapropriate, which is par for the course. Pretty sure they spent at least half the night making out, which forrrced me to spend half the night watching. When I wasn't watching them go at it, I enjoyed the show. It did make me wonder, what's my talent? If I had to get up there for a talent show what the hell would I do? I'm not sure being dashing and charming counts, but if it did...
Ultimately I chose the perfect act. I would be introduced, and the spotlight would flash to me sitting 20' above the stage in the lights. Without a word I would fall. Just drop, like a rock, face first, splat. No moving, no rolling, no nothing when I hit the ground, just a lump face first in the floor, utter silence. No one would know if it was a joke, if I was hurt, dead. They wouldn't laugh, wouldn't clap, just sit there in confusion, then the lights go out. Welcome to my world. My talent is akward moments.
Oh and check out the sweet fiery aftermath of my fake tan, no longer the pasty flash in the night, I am now a fiery pillar of...ferocity? And pain.
First things first, I woke up at that crack of noon-thirty and headed out to a pleasant lunch with the rents. Not quite the same as my typical lunch of "whatever's not rotten in the fridge," but it did the job. Afterwards, and yes I know I may catch, well already have caught flak for this, but I decided to hit up the old tanning bed for a little color on the skin. I was a little reluctant to give up my beautiful ghostly white, but there are pros to not being the great white beacon in the night. Afterwards I definitely noticed less people shielding their eyes when the light bounced off my skin, and less children ran from me in fear, so I got that going for me.
I even did a little shopping, by myself! This was a big step for me, I rarely shop alone, I am not to be trusted when it comes to fashion. Thankfully I found a nice gay man to help me pick out some clothing, even helped me try it on...which was wierd, but I never skip a chance to show off the goods...
A short, painful run later I was ready for the Caberet. My two "escorts" Jessie and Cassie were wildly innapropriate, which is par for the course. Pretty sure they spent at least half the night making out, which forrrced me to spend half the night watching. When I wasn't watching them go at it, I enjoyed the show. It did make me wonder, what's my talent? If I had to get up there for a talent show what the hell would I do? I'm not sure being dashing and charming counts, but if it did...
Ultimately I chose the perfect act. I would be introduced, and the spotlight would flash to me sitting 20' above the stage in the lights. Without a word I would fall. Just drop, like a rock, face first, splat. No moving, no rolling, no nothing when I hit the ground, just a lump face first in the floor, utter silence. No one would know if it was a joke, if I was hurt, dead. They wouldn't laugh, wouldn't clap, just sit there in confusion, then the lights go out. Welcome to my world. My talent is akward moments.
Oh and check out the sweet fiery aftermath of my fake tan, no longer the pasty flash in the night, I am now a fiery pillar of...ferocity? And pain.
posted by Joe at 12:15 AM
1 Comments:
Your picture makes me wonder how white you could have possibly been. I can kind of see tan lines and I'm blinded. It's as if I were looking straight at aurora borealis. Your blog is hilarious.
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